Goldie Behl (GB) along with his wife (Sonali Bendre) walk into Abhishek Bachchan’s (AB) house and make themselves comfortable in the garden chairs. AB walks in wearing a cape tied to his back and a toy sword in his hand. Goldie has a puzzled expression.
AB explains: “Oh this, hmph. I was helping Ash practise sword fighting. Ever since Jodha Akbar happened, she’s started taking this seriously; and that reminds me, Goldie my friend, you have to make a movie for me where I wield the sword. I’ve become the butt of all jokes, people say Ash likes Hrithik’s sword better than mine”
Pictured above: Hrithik and Abhishek in a sword touching moment 😛
GB appears bewildered
AB: “Abey this sword (he explains, pointing to the toy one) not what you are thinking, slimy bugger.”
GB: “Oh yes, yes, I’ve been thinking about a similar concept. Why don’t we make an animation movie wherein your character is a hero”
AB: “Why animation yaar – only kids will watch it then. Let’s make a real movie with me as the hero. Tell me what is the concept?”
GB: “Ok as you wish. I was thinking that we start off with you as a kid who lives with foster parents. Your foster mom and her son treat you very badly but your foster Dad keeps telling you – You are special”
AB: “Wow, sounds really original”
GB: “Ahem yes, did a lot of thinking last night (nudges Sonali to hide the Harry Potter DVD peeping thru her bag)”
AB: “Ok so I’m fine with this story…”
GB interrupts: “But you didn’t hear the full story, this is just the start”
AB: “GB Common, after so many years of watching movies haven’t you understood. Shove the story down the ass and let’s talk about mass appeal moments – like Item song, action sequences and super hero moments – that’s what will draw crowds. If they want a story, they’ll see a Nagesh Kuknoor film. Heck even he’s started making films without storylines – saw Bombay to Bangkok, seemed like a pervert’s travel diary. I’m sure this was his experience when he himself went to Bangkok for the first time. Cheap pervert”
GB: “Ahem.. Ok ya, I’ve got an item song. Btw, why don’t we take Ash as your co-star. Since she’s already learnt sword fighting, she’ll be perfect.”
AB: “Are you crazy? Again people will start comparing my sword to Hrithiks (looks disappointingly downwards). I don’t want any of that. And anyways, I’m already married to her, there’ll be no fun (winks to Goldie)”
AB: “Take Priyanka instead. Even she’s done some action in Aitraaz (winks again)”
In the meantime, Ramu, their servant brings tea for all of them.
Sonali now is puzzled: “Aitraaz – Action?”
GB whispers to her: “Boy talk, you won’t understand”
All of them start sipping their tea.
GB: “Ok AB so let’s see, we’ll have an Item song, and we have you and we have a sword for you. AB, this movie is going to be a super duper hit, I can feel it right now. You just have to give that look in the movie – your famous pout, the one you gave in Guru. Remember, your pout carried the movie through. Gimme that look once now, please.”
AB Pouts his lips and smiles.
GB disappointed: “No no, not this one, the angry pout, like the one your dad gave throughout Agneepath”
AB: “C’mmon GB, that was world class man. I can’t do an Agneepath. You know, My dad is the superstar.” Suddenly his face changes.
GB: “Yeah yeah, this is the one. This is the look I’m talking about.”
AB: “What look?” (appears in pain, screams out) “Ramu, what have you mixed in this tea?”
Ramu: “Sir, bhabhiji said, you hadn’t done potty since morning so I mixed a few drops of jamal ghota in your tea. Is it working?”
AB: “Idiot, how much is few drops?” Clutches his stomach and runs to the bathroom.
GB all this while is watching AB very closely and is fascinated. He whispers to Sonali: “Please add a few packets of Jamal Ghota in the ‘things to take’ list for the movie’s outdoor shoot. I want this look on his face during the shoot.”
Sonali is amused: “But Goldie, we want him to be angry right?”
GB: “Yeah, we’ll make sure that we go to a far off desert where there are no toilets and then while AB is running after the bad guy, I’ll tell him that it’s the villain who mixed Jamal ghota in his tea… So we will get that angry look, don’t worry.”
AB meanwhile returns still carrying that look “Ramu haramzade, kitna jamal ghota milaya tha?”
He then looks at GB who’s still fascinated with that look and is staring at AB: “Oye what happened? Movie over? You haven’t told me about the bad guy yet and what about comedy?”
GB comes back to senses: “Err… Yeah. AB this time, I was thinking of something unique, we’ll make the villain do the comedy as well. Since we have to mainly focus on you, why include more characters? Villain will do comedy.”
AB likes the idea: “Brilliant GB, good, you can then focus on me all the time wielding my sword.”
GB: “And what I’ve thought is all the bad guy’s goons will be wearing black hooded t-shirts so we don’t have to pay junior artists. You, me, ramu kaka, pushpa maasi, all of us will wear black hooded t-shirts and play goons. Anyways, we won’t have much to do. AB, you wield a sword and we’ll all fall down like in ringa – ringa – roses.”
GB: “And we’ll have a horse for you, and a train sequence like Chaiya Chaiya or maybe action sequence on the train with the horse.”
All of them are gaping in fascination, totally engrossed.
Jaya Bachchan walks in. She says: “GB, How about a role for me as well? And mind you, I need a role with good dialogues and all.”
GB and AB look at each other. GB says: “Yes yes aunty, why don’t you play AB’s mom in the movie?”
Jaya appears happy. AB whispers to GB: “GB yaar, this was supposed to be my movie. If she’ll come, she’ll hog lot of dialogues and screen space.”
GB whispers back: “Don’t worry we’ll give her few dialogues and then turn her into stone.” Both of them smirk while Jaya gets busy discussing her clothes for the role with Sonali.
AB: “Ok so finally, no story, only ME and my sword (smirks gleefully pointing to …), Priyanka doing some action 😉 and a joker who is a villain. I’ll beat all you goons just by staring at you and finally I’ll run after the bad guy Haramzadeeeey, Sounds fun.”
GB: “Ok so you want us to name the bad guy harr.. what was that Haramzada?”
Jaya aunty looks at them in disgust.
AB: “Oh no no buddy, Haramzadeeey is the dialogue Dharmendra chacha patented in his days. In those days, it used to be the only curse that didn’t get censored. Now of course, you have stronger insults that don’t get censored like Dev Anand ki lachakti gardan or like Abey Shahrukh ke hilte hue pasine, ha ha ha…”
GB doesn’t get it but still laughs: “Err… Haa haa?”
AB: “But hey, why not find a name which rhymes with Haramzada. It’ll be good fun. But GB, wouldn’t this movie end very soon. I mean, how long can you stretch this plot… or whatever we call a plot.”
GB: “Very intelligent question AB” and they all get thinking.
Sonali screams: “Got it”
GB/AB: “What”
Sonali: “We’ll shoot everything in slow motion. I mean, action sequences, horse rides, AB’s walk, his talk, everything in slow motion. So in that manner, we’ll make it long enough to qualify as a movie.”
Everybody is finally happy and convinced that they’ve a super hit formula on hand. AB gets jolly and picks up the toy sword and starts singing:
“I’m a super-hero, Landed from the sun;
This is my sword (points to the sword) and this is my gun (points to…);
This is for fighting and this is for fun;
When bad guys see me, they duck and run”
And his face changes, he clutches his bowels and runs to the bathroom again “Ramu Haramzadeeeey.”
And so with this, I guess they left for a desert, they named the villain Raizada and he did such comedy that I wasn’t sure whether Drona was saving the Shrushti (Universe) or was saving the audience from his pathetic jokes. You know, I could’ve died watching the movie terrified by his jokes. True to their plan, AB didn’t find a toiled in the desert during the entire shoot so he carried his bowels (and that potty face) throughout the movie and Goldie was mighty pleased that his plan worked so well. If you actually concentrate hard enough, you can even smell his gases in the movie and that’s I guess what made all the bad guys drop down dead.
As the title track sings Drone-aaaaaaa or D-Ronaaaaaaa.
LOL 😀 😀 😀 😀
We could actually make a movie with your script here…that might be a little more fun to watch 😀 😀 😀
LOL@ Abhishek’s Potty face…Trying hard not to imagine 😀 This was sooooo fun 😀
🙂 🙂
Very fuuny man.. Nicely written.. Keep it up..
Totally agree with u on Bombay to Bangkok..
I have not seen Drona yet.. Want to but.. I also started Love story 2050.. 3 tries n still not completed.. 😉
Rotfl!..loved the part when you wrote that GB asks Sonali to hide the HP dvds :P..the movie is one after which al you have is rooona!!! :P..
lol!!!..you write humorous stuff awesomely..suu–peerrb!!
LOL LOL LOL
Brilliant
The film was so hyped up and it turned out to be such a dud. I was struggling to interview GB, thank God I didn’t waste my time
SUPERB POST, Rakesh
AWESOMEEE 🙂
LOL …. :)))
Sell it to KJ 🙂 Only he will replace AB with Shahrukh and call the movie ‘Ashoka’ 🙂
ROFL!!!!!!!!!
@ I’ll tell him that it’s the villain who mixed Jamal ghota in his tea… So we will get that angry look, don’t worry.”
@ We’ll shoot everything in slow motion.
@ And his face changes, he clutches his bowels and runs to the bathroom again “Ramu Haramzadeeeey.”
@ As the title track sings Drone-aaaaaaa or D-Ronaaaaaaa.
:-D, :-D, 😀
I bet u must be mad at urself for wasting time watching it.
Well ur post made my day….I had a good time laughing thru it:-D
@Smriti: yup, we’ll make a movie with this one. You play Ramu Kaka err. Kaki – the bad guy 🙂 he he
@Urv: Thanks. And I’ve finished watching Love Story 2050… Hope you can finish watching it before 2050 or else it won’t be a futuristic movie anymore 😛 he he
@Crystal: Thanks 🙂
@Swats: Thanks! Do interview GB, puhleaseee. At least ask him the brand of jamal ghota 🙂 lol…
@IHM: Yeah, but I heard Salman has stolen it and has named it ‘Veer’!!!
@Reflections: Well if I hadn’t watched it, how would I make your day? 🙂
Hey, I have to leave a comment just so tht everyone reading this knows tht i figure in ur 'elite intelligent & privilged' group of friends… 😉
No but seriously, your review was absolutely riotous!! Was watching Hotshots II ('93 Charlie Sheen movie) while reading your review and couldn't decide which one was more funnier!!!
After reading your review i definitely know tht i've made a smart choice in skipping this movie! Actually, i like AB, but in small doses and in 'happy & gay' roles… 🙂
btw you should seriously try ur hand at writing a regular comical/satirical column in some mag/newspaper….
@Deepa: Actually, your comment means, you’re in the few 3 (err… now 4.5) blog readers I have 🙂
Thanks 🙂 And I thought you just loved Abhishek and ‘his pout’.
Even I wish Gulf News guys are as dumb as you to enjoy my humour 🙂
ROTF-LMAO stuff there… Btw that servant Ramu was kahin RGV toh nahi.. hehe.. 🙂
Btw, I too had written on D-Rona.. I called it Groana though.. 🙂 here is the link to it http://blessed-curse.blogspot.com/2008/10/classic-weekend.html
Wow, Oxy, Read your review – Strange movie innit? You seemed to remember every single moment. Even I can’t forget a single scene 🙂 It is indeed a classic… Sure winner of the Bollywood Razzies.
And yeah, thanks for the blogroll 🙂
And RGV – Ramu, didn’t really think about that connection… I wish I had, could’ve added a whole new hilarious tangent to this review 🙂
Not nice.
Not funny.
I hate you now.
You are sucha mean ass…and its unbelievable how you could have such cute kids(Hayaan and yuvaan ur kids, eh?)
How could you….write that post. 😥
S.
P.S.-i luuuurrrve Abhishek Bachchan.
he he, Sakshi Hayaa (the tigress) is my brother’s daughter while Yuvaan is my son.
And since you’ve been so sweet to increase my counter by a few hits and comment count, I’ll make up to AB in my next post 🙂
LOL isnt that typical of Bolly movies? 🙂
Keshi.
btw I watched a Tamil movie where a boy n girl fall in love, the girl’s parents hate the guy, a villain tries to kill the guy, the guy somehow breaks the villain’s legs, the parents start liking him now and they r all dancing in the end!
Was I surpirsed? NO.
Keshi.
@Keshi: he he, did the villain also start dancing with crutches 🙂