With the dearth of scripts in Bollywood, there is no surprise that every attention grabbing event in the news in India has a few film makers planning a movie on it. Undoubtedly, Satyam is the biggest financial scandal after Harshad Mehta so I was just wondering who will be the first to make a movie on this event. And if they do, what would it be like???
Sooraj Barjatya: Ramalinga Raju will be named ‘Prem’ and the movie will begin with him writing his confession letter. Flashback to his young days wherein he was a good and honest boy touching the feet of every boss he met. It’ll potray him doing this fraud only to care for his sick mother and pay the dowry for his beloved pretty and gharelu sister’s wedding. On hearing his confession, all shareholders of the Company will be weeping uncontrollably and say ‘Business mein, No Sorry, No Thank you!“.
Ramanand Saagar: Ramalinga Raju, under tremendous guilt will go into the forest to live in an abandoned temple and meditate. He’ll become famous as the financial baba and Infosys, TCS and Wipro heads will come to him for guidance not recognising him in torn clothes and long hair. He’ll ask them to perform a puja for ‘Satyanarayan Swami’ and fast for 40 days to solve their problems. Infosys and TCS will listen to him while Wipro head will mock him. After 40 days, Info and TCS shares will be at 52 wk high while Wipro will be bankrupt. Satyam Directors in jail will hear of him and appeal to the Supreme Court to allow them to meet the baba do a puja and fast for 40 days. This would result in an amazing climax scene in the abandoned temple with all convicts (Satyam directors) singing bhajans, wind blowing, bells clanging and Raju banging his head in front of God. Those still in the theatre will be with their eyes closed and singing bhajans in praise of God ‘Raghukul reet sada chali aa-aa-yi, company jaye par profit na ja-aa-aa-yi’.
Ramsey Brothers: Here Raju, ridden of guilt will go into the forest and commit suicide in an abandoned temple. Years later, a group of chartered accountants will go on a picnic in the forest and take shelter in this temple for the night. Raju’s ghost, pretending to be a sexy woman wearing wet white clothes will seduce the guys (as well as girls) in the group and torture and kill them one by one ‘Yeh haath jisse tum accounts banate ho, yeh haat mujhe dede accountant’ (Wait, does that sound like Ramesh Sippy? Wow, even Ramsey has started getting inspired by human movies) But anyways, the last accountant alive will realise this is Raju’s ghost and start reading the ethics chapter in his book of ‘Auditing’. Raju’s ghost won’t be able to stand it and will burn listening to words such as Ethics, Integrity, Honesty, Auditor Independence etc.
Mahesh Bhatt: Guess who plays Raju? Yeah – Emraan Hashmi. His story will be the most visually striking with Raju inflating profits, cooking financial statements, driving fast cars, holidaying with and smooching PwC partners (male and female) all on Company’s account when finally one day he’ll receive a call that his son is kidnapped. He’s not married so he tries hard to think which one??? The demand is the true financials of the Company. But they are lying in a safe deposit vault at PwC’s headquarters in Berlin. So he goes to Berlin (with one of the sexy junior accountants in PwC), sings more songs, drives faster cars and retrieves the financials only to find that Satyam is actually making far more profits than declared so that they can cut short his Bonuses and save taxes. He declares the truth thereby rescuing the world from a financial recession and making Satyam the number 1 Company in the world. His son, well… that’s not important. Raju’s now married to the junior accountant, who now btw is the Financial Controller for Satyam, and they are living happily in a beach side villa in Dubai (On Company’s account).
Abbas Mustan: Same as above till the phone call comes that Raju’s (who is played by Bobby Deol) wife (played by Bipasha) is kidnapped. As he is following the clues to his wife’s kidnap with the help of an Inspector (played by Anil Kapoor), he entrusts the task of preparing the true financials of the Company to his friend (Saif Ali Khan). Half way through the movie, you’ll realise that Bipasha is actually Anil Kapoor’s wife and Saif and Bobby are lovers who have plotted to get rid of Bipasha. Anil Kapoor comes to know about the plan and kills Saif and threatens Bobby to give him his wife back or else he’ll reveal the truth about Satyam financials to the world. While Bobby is thinking what to do, Bipasha (who is actually also an undercover CBI Inspector) finds out that Anil killed Saif on Bobby’s request so that Bobby could take-over Saif’s shares in the Company but now Anil is blackmailing Bobby. She gets Anil and Bobby both arrested. Saif returns and lives happily ever after with Kareena err… Bipasha, I mean (Phew… Abbas bhai, you’re the only original director in Bollywood)
David Dhawan: Guess who? Govinda – who else? (Seriously, you shouldn’t be reading further if you didn’t get this right) gets hold of a magic calculator (inspired by the magic remote control from ‘Click’) which makes all his wishful calculations come true. With the help of this calculator, he cheats grocers, vegetable vendors, rickshaw drivers and oh. Yes, he makes enormous profits for his Software Company and even manages to marry two women; keeps one in ghar and one bahar, has one child with each of them but whenever confronted shows his wives a calculation on the magic calculator which shows 1 wife + 1 wife = 1 wife. One fine day, one of the grocers whom he’s been cheating makes a wish that God save him from cheaters. The wish is granted and the calculator’s magic is gone. It now shows nothing but the truth. Satyam balance sheet turns on its head and seeing all the sorrow he has caused, Govinda realises his mistake and turns a new leaf. Both wives agree to live together like sisters. The calculator now shows reduced (actual) profits, 2 wives but still one child? Appears that Emraan Hashmi was given a guest appearance in the movie.
Karan Johar: Should we play the Guess who game again? Naah… even an alien would know that Shahrukh Khan plays Raju in this one. Raju is in love with the PwC accountant (Kajol) who does the audit for their Company. Every time she shows him the financials, he clutches his heart and goes ‘Kuch kuch hota hai’. She thinks it’s the low profits he is talking about so to please him (and justify her huge fee), she keeps inflating the profits. But wait, Isn’t Raju married? So what, when his wife finds out, she leaves him and Raju free from his wife, proposes Kajol. Kajol is surprised and she tells him that she always thought he was in love with profits. Raju has now to choose between profits and Kajol. But KJ believes, love is the most important thing in life so Raju and Kajol get married and go to jail for 7 years hand in hand singing ‘Kabhi profits, kabhi love’.
B.R.Chopra: The story starts with a poor orphan Raju (Salman) who falls in love with a beggar in his street (played by Rani). Rani wants to be famous so she doesn’t entertain Raju’s love. Raju grows up and studies hard to get a job and later get promoted to Chairman of Satyam. Rani with the money that she has saved after years of begging invests in shares of Satyam. Raju keeps inflating his profits to give good returns to Rani. One day he comes to know that Rani is planning to sell her shares (at a huge profit) so that she can pay dowry to a bank employee who is ready to marry her. He is a good man who cannot stand the evils such as Dowry, not respecting your parents and widows being forced to live a sad life. So he reveals the truth about the inflated profits and Satyam’s shares crash. The bank employee no longer wants to marry Rani and Raju goes to her aid and tells her that he will marry her. Rani is also a good person and she cannot stand evils like corruption, corporate frauds, financial scams so she rejects Raju’s proposal. Little does she know that Raju did the fraud only for her… But that’s not important. Rooting out social (and corporate) evils is.
Aamir Khan: This movie will never get made. You see, being the perfectionist he is, he’ll first enrol for the CA course, go through three years of article ship, write PE-II and Final exams and by the time he passes and becomes a CA to understand the nitty-gritty of finance, he’ll loose his spark for acting/directing. He however, will then takeover the bankrupt Satyam and turn it into the most profitable venture in India.
Mani Ratnam: This will be the best financial crime thriller that has ever been made. Yeah, no one makes fun of Mani Ratnam. Not even me. But yes, Abhishek Bachchan will sweep all awards for his portrayal of Raju and the female lead will be played by a 18 year old new girl from Delhi who’ll win the award in a reality show ‘Who’s got the best pout?’.
BCCI: With the government policy causing BCCI losses, it might as well produce a film. I belive it would be a kind of Erin Berkovich legal thriller wherein Lalit Modi will play Raju while Siddhu will play his defence lawyer. This will turn out to be the longest script in the history of film making with Sidhu delivering an amazing 146 dialogues per minute. The prosecution will not have a lawyer to face Sidhu’s Verbal diarrhea and the judge by the end of the trial will drop dead of brain damage. The audience will get three ‘half hour intervals’ to breathe and this half hour will be sold to sponsors at astronomical prizes to promote their fizzy drinks and washing machines.
So, tell me which version would you like to see. Or are there any more versions I’ve missed? Probably Raju played by Sunny Deol in Rajkumar Santhoshi’s version called ‘Ghaban’…
Ha ha…real funny, man!
Loved the ramanand sagar one and even the Ramsey one!
:DD
hahaha……. nice!
I loved the originality of the Mahesh Bhatt movie. Why don’t you really try selling him the script.
But hey hey hey……
aren’t you afraid of the people who invested in Satyam. They will come running to grab your throat and choke you to death… “You sadist… you want to cash in on our misery…”
Don’t you remember what happened when Ramu walked into the Taj the day following terrorist attacks.
(well that was just on the lighter side, but it actally was not really a right thing for Ramu to do at that moment for any reasons whatsoever)
anyways,
Take Care!
Brilliant!
I see myself getting addicted to ur blog for the amazing content..
Very well written, Rakesh..
U seem to know so much abt Bollywood..But u missed out RGV 😛
Bollywood is really bankrupt of ideas..They shud consider ur post 😛
Brilliant again!
Hey, you seem to be outdoing yourself with every new post…
I would also like seeing Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra’s version ‘Rang De Laal’, where the main protagonists are some key shareholders (good-looking college pass-outs, one frm each religion) and they overtake Satyam’s headquarters, once the shares crash (instead of the aircraft crash)….blah blah
Waiting for your next post,
hahahah….nice one…:)))
Fantastic read!!!
I am glad i discovered your blog (Actually the title – heart in India – is what made me come here as i share the sentiment!)
LMAO too funny!
Keshi.
@Hades: Thanks !
@Navin: Mahesh Bhatt? What the part about Emraan smooching partners (male and female)? he he And the best way to avoid misery is to laugh it off. Innit?
btw, thanks for the BR Chopra idea 🙂
@Swats: Wow! Thanks 🙂 Actually, after writing this post, I realised, Bollywood has become all about clichés. Every director has his own one liners, set of actors and even music… And apart from the ones mentioned, I’ve still left out a few other cliché artists like you mentioned – RGV, Subhash Ghai, VVC (all their movies show their signature style). And the magic is when Farah Khan takes up all these immortal lines, dialogues and stories, mixes them up and makes a bhel-puri of bollywood, audiences lap it up.
@Deepa: Thanks! and Not bad yourself too… I mean, one from each religion, he he that’s what I’d call intelligence (mine) influence 😀
@Rebel: Thanks buddy
@Paradox Philic: Welcome and Thanks 🙂 I mean, we can go anywhere, get any passports, speak any languages but when we need heart surgery, we rush back to India, so the title 🙂
@Keshi: With the way you’ve been posing for the camera, I won’t be surprised if you land a role in one of these scripts 🙂 he he…
ha ha. real nice.
i wonder if someone can mix all these plots and make a “Pushpak”. Kishen Kumar and Nagma can play the lead roles….
Hahaha, I liked the Mahesh Bhatt’s one… I am quite curious to see Emran as Raju. Ramsey one was quite cheesy..;)
Btw u once again forgot to mention RGV… Ram Gopal Verma will take Big B as Raju and now u can proceed with the story.. .
Also, u did not mention SLB either.. He would definitely take Salman as Raju.. or may be Ranbir as Raju dropping towels n everything whilst doing item numbers to compensate for the losses to the shareholders.
😀 😀 😀
My fav was the Aamir Khan one 😀 very very very funny stuff. I’m sending this to all my friends on gmail (morons hardly visit blogger) …Not taking any credit away from you of course.. This was brilliantly funny…still laughing 😀 😀
This has got to be my “Must Read for the week” Post …Very very very funny…:D
@Satyajit: he he… Pushpak with Kishen kumar and Nagma lol… That would be the ‘Gulshan Kumar goes silent’ version.
@Oxy: As I mentioned in my response earlier to Swats, every director in Bollywood seems to be hung up with his style. So I did give a few stalwarts a miss 🙂
RGV version story??? What story? Only Amitabh and dark camera angles peeping from under Amitabh’s arm (showing his hair growth) would take up his 3 hours 🙂
And yes SLB version, dropping towels to compensate losses 😀 he he… And ya, It’ll aptly have ‘Blue’ (pun intended) lighting.
@Smriti: Finally !!! Remember, the week you started this ‘Post of the week’ thing, I’d mentioned in a comment, hope I can feature there someday? Wow, my wish is granted so soon 🙂 Thanks 😛
And I’d like to thank… (Nahinnnnn, not another bollywood cliché)
OMG!..you’re brilliant with all this..m a big fan of these humourous “Boollywood” accts of yours.
PS_Come on now..let BR Chopra rest in peace..he’ll start haunting your dreams!! 😛
LOL:), I loved the karan Johar and Amir Khan take.
@Crystal: Wow, Thanks 🙂 Sure, no offence to him 🙂
@Renu: Welcome… and Thanks 🙂
I was once asked to be a TV show host…I was at a party and a guy approached me and asked if I cud work for his channel. I had to decline it cos I was already employed and I dun want a camera-posing job :):)
Keshi.
Ha! Ha! Is there Ekta Kapoor in the list? Did I miss? She would hire a plastic surgeon and turn Raju into Bhola Raj.
Send this to indiafm.com. I have seen a similar take on another piece before there.
ROFL…..this is super stuff. Send it to some magazine….u bet they'll publish it:-D.
Loved the Abbas Mastan one & the Aamir Khan one & thot the Karan Johar one could have been better.
p.s: just read thru the whole thing again…..even the Govinda story was hilarious:-D
@Keshi: See I was so right 😉
@Solilo: Heck, how could I forget her? Yeah, definitely plastic surgery is one of her trump cards lol… and there would also be a sweet daughter in law, demented mother in law, 343 other shareholders who all wear heavy suits and designer saarees and sleep with makeup on. he he… Seriously, I should be hanged for forgetting her…
@Reflections: Thanks :), I did send it to E-Plus, lets wait for tomorrow 🙂 You know, I got this idea at 7 am on a Friday morning and went to the laptop he he… And the Karan Johar, I added at the end actually coz. I didn’t want to disrespect him 🙂 so maybe my creative juices had exhausted by the time…
Howlarious!! The one on Abbas Mustan had me clutching my guts. Needless to say, the comic timing, and the idiosyncracy alignment couldn’t have been better. By the way, about Palestine Post, the timing was mere coincidence. I was looking to write it for a long time, and it just happened to come out at that juncture when they were pounding (mostly innocent schoolchildren) Hamas. Did you have anything else in mind, when you posed the Q about timing?
Tell me, how would Madhur Bhandarkar manage to tell his bittersweet story of the wronged protagonist of Satyam. Atleast, this time, he won’t have to conjure a sad end…
btw I’d be so bad infront of the camera…cos I laugh alot lol!
Keshi.
Fantastic, Hillarious, super comic and wonderfully crafted post !!!!!!
GHABAN !!!!! will be missed !!
This was even better than the last one. Absolutely hilarious … loved each one, in fact it was a GK revision also 🙂
You seem to like Amir Khan 🙂
gharelu sister’s dowry, 40 day fast and pooja, Raju’s ghost … right upto the last one are simply brilliant.
TV guys will love something like this, it’s simply brilliant 🙂
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http://www.StrategicBookPublishing.com/TheHongKongConnection.html
LOL – Aamir Khan trying to pass his CA!!! He might recommend casting Vinod Singhania (our nemesis in DT in both inter and final) as a villain for making an already complex paper like Direct Taxes almost mind-numbing. And even if Khan wrote Sec 314 of the Companies Act in body art a la Ghajiini, I’m sure he’ll see stars in the exam hall…sec 314’s language is calculated to make no sense even after 6 reads.
Hilarious! Totally hilarious!
@Hatikvah: Thanks mate. You know, I considered MB but then thought that it would be boring, even my version of his would be boring. So gave him a miss.
@Keshi: Laugh a lot? Tht’s fun 😛
@Dhiren: Welcome! and Thanks 🙂
@IHM: Thanks 🙂 and yeah, I think Aamir is actually great (never mind Ghajini, I guess he was just having some fun)
@Aries: Seriously, Pray he kills Vinod Singhania in the movie 🙂 And maybe also hijacks the exam hall with a few friends demanding a revoking of Sec. 314. he he
@HDWK: Thanks !
hmmm….well written, i wud hv loved to read the version of subhash ghai’s movie and also adi chopra….my fav is the first one where raju ban jatha hai a gentleman called prem….hehehe
Wow man you’ve put a LOT of thought into this!!
What if you had to make a Bollywood film outta this fiasco? Who would be in it, and what would be the story?
hehe, that was hilarious..
lmao@ramanand sagar one!
someone’s all stuck on bollywood eh 😉
u kicked the ass of bollywood….I loved every plot…each one so deailed…u can t realy make out loads of movies…koool man
For a man who once said “i don’t have readers. I want a popular blog like you” 32 are a lot of comments.
Liar. You deserve to be kicked. Ask your chhote chhote cute bachchas to do that for me. Hrmphh.
Bollywood to me, is the least interesting thing ever. And i couldn’t read a word about Abhishek. I guess thats how you made up-by sparing him!
Very profound all that, by the way. Tho to be honest, didn’t read all. (I am not a bollybuff 😦 Sowie. Feel bad. :()
S.
@Reets: Thanks 🙂
@Craziest: Welcome and Thanks 🙂 My version would have me play Bond with a lot of beauties around… Raju who? he he
@ISH: Thanks, I guess BW brings out the funniest in me… That apart, my blog would be so boring
@DayDreamer: Thanks Mate 🙂
@Sakshi: I wish I’d asked for a million dollars 🙂 And AB is there in the Mani Ratnam Version
Great stuff…hilarious!
But shouldn’t Aamir Khan make the film after qualifying? And then, when he’s caught, come up with the memory-lapse excuse?
And Mani Ratnam will make his film with Abhishek Bachchan, and all Telugu-speaking people will throng the theatres to show their kids the story of Raju…who inflated profits only so that the shareholders of the company could benefit.
Cheers,
Quirky Indian
lol. Ok so you made me read the whole of it now. Abhishek is there yay!!! And he wins lotsa awards! Nice nice. I like you now. 🙂
Whats with me and the pout? uhh..not nice. With me in the lead, the movie CANNOT do well. But very sweet!! 😛
Fine, you made up. Thou art forgiven!
S.
@QI: He he, you’re right, we do wanna see Aamir do another memory lapse… And AB playing the Telegu Robin Hood… lol
@Sakshi: Phew… finally
Great style. And really entertaining. And I find Ram Gopal Varma missing. I think he didn’t want to run into another controversy like he did during the Mumbai blasts.
What abt a slumdog millionaire style that can win a golden globe –
10 questions and answers of how he duped the innocent shareholders of their money. 🙂
Oh my God, i never looked into this blog. Superb post this one!!
Long post. I’m still reading..
ROFL!!dude!this post rocked!
itni inspiration kahaan see aayi?:P
All our directors/writers get ‘inspired’:D:D
did ya too?:P
awesome this one was!:D:D
I am nominating this for the LOL challenge 😀